Yeah, you know who I’m talking about and if you’re one of these people I’m flying to your house right now so I can kick you in the knee. From talking on their cell phones to chomping on their food, annoying moviegoers flood our theaters everyday ruining a many good movie experience. I don’t pay money to deal with crying babies and horny teens, I invest to escape life for a couple hours. If you’re like me and this stuff gets on your nerves you’ll want to read more.

Follow up:

These people are charged with disturbing the peace, specifically MY peace when I’m trying to watch a movie. Some might say that I’m being too picky or grumpy but I think otherwise. It’s something I like to call ‘Tact’. So we’ve narrowed these annoyances down to the seven deadly sins of moviegoers. Here they are in no particular order:

Personal Space
If you’re a taller person I’m sure you know that they don’t arrange seating in your favor so I can understand when you prop your feet on the seat in front or stretch your legs out resting them on the arm rest of the row below. However, what you don’t do is put them there while someone else is seated there duh! I just love having my elbow nudged or my head knocked throughout a movie because you’re trying to make room for your foot. I’m sorry did you pay for my seat too? If you give me ten dollars sure I’ll let you prop your feet up on my chair but come on people, if someone is in the seat in front just keep your feet down and stop kicking my chair. Eight out of ten times I’ll turn around and it’s not even a tall person but some shorty who’s four foot nothing.

Now let’s talk about where you sit. If it’s a midnight showing or opening night there’s a good chance you’re going to be jammed close by with people you don’t know. This is part of the movie going experience and something we just have to accept. But, what I won’t accept is when I’m seated in an empty to almost empty theater and some bozo sits in the seats right in front, behind or practically next to me. Are you kidding me? They’ve got the whole freak’n theater and they have practically sit on my lap. I know it’s not my magnetic personality so why do people tend to gravitate towards complete strangers? Do you want your purse or wallet stolen? Oh, and in case you’re thinking, “Stop sitting in the middle moron”, I’m way ahead of you. I’ve tried this all over a theater. Top, middle, towards the screen, left or right it never fails that some clown will sit REALLY close to me. Again, if the theater is busy I totally get it put during an empty matinee? Come on!

Food
Nothing wrong with food during a movie. Sometimes it’s the only thing keeping you awake if the film sucks. However, other members of the audience don’t want to hear you smacking your lips as you chow down. This poor eating habit probably stems back to childhood so if nobody has said anything to you yet I’m saying it now! Chew with your mouth closed for the love of cinema goers everywhere! We don’t want to hear it, it’s distracting and disgusting. Also, accidents happen and if you drop or spill something on another person at least have the politeness to apologize. I’m not even saying you need to offer to clean it off them (because of personal space issues) but at least acknowledge your mistake. When someone drops popcorn on my head from behind (multiple times) and doesn’t even mention it I feel like I’m about to make my own horror movie happen right then and there.

Babies and little kids
First, I put no blame on an infant or child when they make sounds in a movie. If you filled me with half the energy that kiddies have I don’t think I could sit still for more than five minutes let alone hours in a dark movie theater. They don’t know any better when the talk, scream, cry or do any number of obnoxious things while a film is playing. However, I do hold parents or caretakers responsible for everything their child does during my movie experience. For one thing, there are many movies I’ve been in that young children have no business seeing. That being a completely different issue but not taking kids to adult themed films is another way to make a more pleasant movie experience for others. If you can’t find a sitter (if it’s not a kid movie) then don’t go to the movie. I know you might want to see it really, really bad opening night but you’re the one who chose to have that little bundle of joy remember? Unless you have a sitter or cool significant other, when you have kids you give up the ability to see awesome movies on opening night. Sorry.

So let’s say you’re stupid and bring your screaming child to the midnight movie anyway. Again, as a parent it is your responsibility to keep your kids quiet or entertained and no, letting them run up and down the isles is not what I mean by entertained. If your kid is acting out or crying you quickly take them out of the theater until they can calm down. Honestly, how hard is that? I’ve sat through 30 plus minutes of screams and crying during important segments of a film before. It completely takes you out of the story and again, you waste my money by not taking your child out of the theater while they act out. Sometimes I feel like walking down to the parents and saying, “You rather shut the kid up or pay me ten bucks and they can scream all they want.” How you raise your kids at home is entirely your business but when you take them to a public place and it affects me, you make it my business.

Talking
You’d think this one is a no brainer and that is actually true because there’s no way anyone with half a brain wouldn’t know to shut it when the movie starts. Whispers and audience participation (like laughing) are fine but then there are those certain people that can’t distinguish between their big boy voice and talking quietly. I even occasionally will mention things to friends while watching a movie but if the person sitting next, in front or behind me can overhear the conversation guess what? It’s too loud. But it’s my right to talk as loud as I bla, bla, bla! It’s not your right, it’s a privilege and if people keep it up I might just deprive them of it. Silence is golden but duct tape is silver . . . and I know how to use it. This leads me to the next category of . . .

Cell Phones / Texting
I don’t understand why people HAVE to answer their cell phones every waking moment. Is the world going to pass you by? It wasn’t that long ago that 90 percent of people didn’t have them. If it’s an emergency and you must answer it I completely understand or if you have the answering compulsion at least respect the other viewers and step out if you’re going to take the call (or sit in the corner of the theater and whisper). Also, every movie I’ve attended in the past five years always runs the silence your cell phone slide. If you phone rings it’s inexcusable. Either way, I’m looking forward to the day when they can scramble cell phone signals in designated areas (I’m sure about half of you hate me for saying that so sling your mud pies). This goes hand in hand with talking. Move it or lose it.

But what about texting you ask? It doesn’t require noise (if on silent) and doesn’t distract everybody right? Well you’re correct, it doesn’t distract anybody not sitting within eye shot of you but when that screen lights up at least a fourth of the audience can see it and guess what? It’s distracting also! Unless someone else paid for you to go a flick that you have zero interest in why would you be texting? Why waste the money to even see the movie if you’re going to spend half the time on the phone? One text, ok no biggie but I’m talking about those who have neck cramps from looking down at their phone the entire time. Just stay at home and text away. It’s better for you, better for me and better for everybody else who wants to get their money’s worth. If you received a text while reading this then I’m talking to you!

Personal hygiene
It’s extremely uncomfortable to tell someone that they smell. If you’ve been in that situation you know what I’m talking about. It’s embarrassing for both parties. If you don’t want to shower or clean yourself, again that’s entirely your business and more power to you but when you take your stink to a public place that requires you to spend hours in close range with strangers, dude take a shower please! But what about those people who don’t have enough money to take showers? Well if they can’t afford to keep their water running then what are they doing in a movie? Shouldn’t they be saving money for you know . . . food? I think if I was broke and couldn’t shower going to see a movie wouldn’t be high on my priority list. I’d be more interested in keeping myself alive at that present time. For those of you who have medical issues with unpleasant odors, I’m not talking about you at all. I’m just asking people to control what they can control, that’s all.

Now to the drunks. There are two kinds of drunks in movies; the ‘passed out’ kind and the ‘obnoxious, I’m calling the police on you’ kind. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about partying it up but a movie theater is not the place for that. Going to a movie drunk can result in blowing chunks, talking and yelling loudly, smelling and even being visited by the Po-Po. Why does this fall under hygiene? I just mentioned puke and smell right? If you’re getting drunk and going to the movies I’ll assume that you are rather a moron or battling depression. I personally hope it’s just because you are a moron. Honestly, do all the boozing you want but don’t bring it to the movies.

Sex
Yep, it happens in movie theaters people and probably more times than you’d think. I think it’s safe to say I don’t need to get into too much detail because most people still adhere to the taboo that accompanies sex in public. Still, horny teens (and some adults who should know better) obviously assume that a dark theater is the perfect place to get a blow or worse. News flash, the human eye adjusts to darkness and there’s a good chance that people can see your girl’s head bobbing up and down (assuming they don’t hear it first). Making out is one thing but if you can’t afford to get a room and have to resort to public places then get a job. But you pay for a film with sex in it, what’s the difference? I’ll tell you the difference! The people in the movie are hot and unless you are willing to take your performance down front in center of the screen so at least some people get their money’s worth of a show, keep it in your pants.

If you’re reading this chances are you’re a fellow horror fan. Maybe you completely agree with everything I’ve said or maybe just partially agree. You might think that I’m an anal douche bag who needs to lighten up. No matter what we think, I’m sure we can agree that movies are for our entertainment and they help us escape our everyday stresses by allowing the audience to be absorbed into another world as silent observers. Still, this can prove difficult for some when others are doing the above listed actions. Going to the movies is supposed to be fun but it’s hard when others aim to distract.